Do you ever get over someone, or do you just get used to their absence?
SPEAK: Piece 2
Recently I was asked to write a piece about whether you really get over someone or you just get used to their absence and I immediately thought of you. I recently decided to let you go, because I have been told many times that when you love someone, you’ve got to let them go. And so I did.
At first everything pointed back to you. Every single bone in my body screamed and wanted me to run back to you, like I have done in the past. I was hopeless, utterly hopeless. In fact, I was very sure that I would run back to you because “this is just what we do”. I am the one who makes broken promises we both know are broken from the beginning, and you are the one who acts as if everything is totally normal, while we both hide behind our single fingers. It was like, without using words, we know each other’s next move. And I hate to think of you as someone who thinks so little of me. As someone who knows that regardless what happens, I will always run back to you. I hate that feeling. And Im sure it’s not just a feeling, it is reality, you were just always too kind and sweet to admit that. You took care of me. But was that really care?
Then I passed on to the usual grieving stage. I was somewhere between the decision of losing you forever or falling back into old habits. I hadn’t decided my next move just yet. One part of me wanted to surprise you and actually stick to my decision for the very first time, but, like I said, I missed you. Although, I never told you this, you had this whole effect on me and I could never get truly rid of you. I don’t mean “rid of you” as in a bad way, I mean it in a “never let you go- although this might be best for us” way. So I decided to fully let go of you- at least for now.
However, I wasn’t letting you go for the right reasons. I was doing this to protect you and to save you from that whole loop that we put ourselves in, but what about saving me? Did I want to be saved? Was our situation really that bad? I realized that it was, when other people were getting hurt because of us. Again, i am prioritizing other people’s feelings over my own. I was hurt by you, for not doing what I didn’t ask to do. And of course you have every right to call me out for this one, arguing that since I never asked anything from you, why was I mad at you for not doing it? The answer is self-explanatory. Now I am very ready to officially state that I am letting you because that is what best for me. I am done being your charity case, done expecting the least from you, done convincing myself that I need you when I simply want you. I have grown too much for this.
The past 2 days I have come at peace with the fact that we no longer contact each other. And I am okay with it, because we both have our own stories to explore and the chapter that we opened for each other, shall be closed. Is it final? I do not know, but for now I am willing to enjoy the company of myself.
As for the question “will I ever get over you”… I shall ask myself whether you were really mine to lose in the first place.
Elsa Chonia, 17 years old